The Five Stages of Henry Spencer
by Collegekid2006
Summary: When Shawn is killed in the line of duty, Henry is left to go through the five stages of grief on his own. A response to a challenge to put a PSych character through the 5 stages of grief. This will be a collection of 5 song fics, one fic for each stage.
1. Chapter 1

_Stage 1: Denial _

_The Song for Denial: All the Time in the World, by Lazlo Bane_

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_-_

_-  
_

Henry stood silently on the beach, staring out into the vast ocean and letting the surf wash over his feet.

Overhead, the sun was shining.

Around him, seagulls squawked and fought for food.

Kids were running everywhere, squealing and pushing each other into the waves.

For all intents and purposes, it was a perfect day.

**Well, it's a lovely day**

**Enter the warm sun**

**Sit back and soak up the rays, there's nothing better to do**

**Well, it won't be too long until I get burned**

**So much for Bain de Soleil, it can't protect me from you**

His mind quietly drifted back to when Shawn was a kid.

This kind of day, sunny and on the verge of being blistering hot, was the kind of day he had always liked best.

Henry could hear his voice, echoing off the walls of his mind.

_"Come on, Dad! I wanna go swimming! Let's go to the beach!"_

Henry would just roll his eyes and mutter under his breath, but Shawn never gave up, and they always ended up at the beach.

Somehow, on days like today, they always ended up at the beach…

**  
Well, that's right**

**We're near the after life**

**We're inching closer to extinction every time that we turn**

**Well, all right**

**We've been acting like there's nothing wrong as long as we've got all the time in the world**

_ Not today…_Henry thought stubbornly.

_Not on a day like today…_

_No one dies on a day like today…_

_Not when they're supposed to be at the beach…_

**We've got all the time in the world...**

He turned around again, facing the beach, his feet still immersed in the water.

_It doesn't end like this…_

_This isn't how it ends…_

He could see Shawn, running down the dune, screaming at the top of his lungs, throwing his bucket and shovel in the sand as he dove head first into the water.

_He should be here…_

_It's not over…_

**Another day another week and one more year goes by**

**Would you please just make up your mind?**

**Don't wait to procrastinate**

**Let's take a holiday 'cause we've got all the time in the world**

_He'll be here…_

_He always comes to the beach on days on like today…_

**We've got all the time in the world**

**We've got all the time until California sinks into the sea**

**And I know that you're waiting for your real life to begin**

**Well, that's the problem with people like you and me**

Suddenly, the thoughts started coming to him.

He did the best he could to suppress them, but they were relentless.

They thundered through his mind, on an endless loop.

Everything he had meant to say…

Everything he had tried to say…

Everything he had thought he had all the time in the world to say…

**Well it's a lovely day**

**Enter the warm sun**

**You know it won't be too long until we really get burned**

_No._

_It's not over…_

_There's still time…_

_Still time…_

**We've got all the time in the world**

**We've got all the time in the world…**

Henry started to walk back up the beach, his eyes scanning every face in the crowd.

_He'll be here…_

_He'll be here… _

_He always comes to the beach on days like today…_


	2. Stage 2: Anger

_The Anger Song: Mudshovel by Staind  
_

**You take away  
I feel the same  
You take away**

**I feel the same**

Henry didn't feel anything.

For a week now, he had felt nothing at all except a cold, comfortable numbness.

Almost as if a brick of ice had settled somewhere between his heart and his stomach.

**  
All the promises you made to me you made in vain  
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again**

But all that the numbness..all that cold... vanished the day he got the letter.

**  
Cause you can't feel my anger  
You can't feel my pain  
You can't feel my torment  
Driving me insane  
I can't fight these feelings **

**They will bring you pain  
You can't take away  
Make me whole again**

It was a plain, white envelope; completely unremarkable except for the words **Second Notice** emblazoned across it in bright red type.

Even before he opened it, Henry felt the ice beginning to thaw…being replaced by something else…

Something burning…

Something white hot that started at his head and traveled through his body until even his toes were on fire.

**  
I feel betrayed  
Stuck in your ways  
And you rip me apart  
With the brutal things you say  
I can't deal with it anymore  
I just look away**

He ripped it open, his fingers trembling in rage.

It was an overdue credit card notice.

A _lot_ overdue.

"Goddamn it, Shawn!" He bellowed at no one. "You didn't even pay your damn credit card?"

**  
Cause you can't feel my anger  
You can't feel my pain  
You can't feel my torment  
Driving me insane  
I can't fight these feelings they bring only pain  
You can't take away  
Make me whole again**

The tires squealed as the truck peeled angrily out of the driveway.

Henry's brain thundered with the inconvenience of it all…

The unfairness of it all…

_I had things to do today, Shawn!_

_And now I have to waste my afternoon looking for your damn checkbook to pay your damn bill!_

_They won't get it for a few days…_

_They'll probably start calling…_

_Goddamn it, Shawn!_

_Couldn't you even pay your damn credit card bill?_****

You take away  
I feel the same  
All these promises  
You promised only pain  
If you take away  
And leave me with nothing again

He was rifling through Shawn's desk when Gus walked into the Psych office.

Papers littered the floor, ripped up seemingly at random.

A broken stapler had been hurled against the wall and snapped pens and pencils covered almost every inch of the desk.

Gus stood in the doorway for a long moment, taking in the scene.

Henry didn't see him until he cleared his throat.

"Looking for something?" He asked quietly.

**  
'cause you can't feel my anger  
You can't feel my pain  
You can't feel my torment  
Driving me insane  
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain  
You can't take away  
Make me whole again**

Henry looked up, his eyes burning.

"No." He snapped, sending another flood of papers to the floor.

"Then what are you doing?"

Henry stopped, blinking slowly.

**  
You will feel my anger  
You will feel my pain  
You will feel my torment  
Driving you insane  
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain  
You won't take away  
I'll be whole again**

"He didn't pay his goddamn credit card."


	3. Bargaining

_The Song: Numb, Linkin Park_

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_

Even before Henry opened his eyes that morning, he knew it was a mistake.

The voice was already fading as he lay there, trying to cling to it for just one more second…

But when he opened his eyes, it was gone.

He remembered it, he knew what it had been saying…

But it was gone.

He lay silently, staring at the cracks in the ceiling, trying to hear the voice one more time.

Just one more time…

Even if they had been fighting in his dream, like always, he still wanted to hear it again.

Even if Shawn had been yelling at him, again, telling him all the things Henry already knew he thought, he still wanted to hear it again…

Just one more time…

**I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you**

It was coming back to him now…

Not the voice itself; that was gone…gone…

But the rest of the dream slowly came back as Henry closed his eyes again and forced himself to remember.

They had been fighting…Shawn had been yelling…

But Henry had been calm.

For once, he didn't argue when Shawn told him he didn't want to be a cop, didn't want to be like his father, didn't want to have a job or a family or any of the things he was supposed to have…

Any of the things he would never have now…

**I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you**

For once, Henry had just listened as Shawn yelled at him…ranted at him, even.

Even if just in his dream…Henry had just listened…

******  
Can't you see that you're smothering me  
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control  
Cause everything that you thought I would be  
Has fallen apart right in front of you  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
And every second I waste is more than I can take**

Finally, when Shawn had stopped to take a breath, Henry got his two cents in.

"Shawn. I don't care."

Normally, when said that, it was with a biting, sarcastic edge.

But this time, even in his dream, it had been different.

This time, there was a painful, almost pleading twinge in his voice.

******I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you**

Shawn regarded him skeptically.

"You don't care?"

Henry shook his head fiercely.

"I don't care, Shawn! About any of it!"

******  
And I know  
I may end up failing too  
But I know  
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you  
**

"You don't care I'm not a cop?"

"I don't care."

"You don't care I've had 57 jobs since high school?"

"Shawn, you could have a million! I don't care."

******I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you**

**********  
**Finally, slow smile had spread across Shawn's face.

"You mean…I win? For once?"

********** I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be**

Henry had nodded again.

"Yeah, Kid. You win."

And then he woke up…


	4. Depression

_The Song: Shadow of the Day, Linkin Park_

_-_

_-  
_

**I close both locks below the window  
I close both blinds and turn away**

Henry shut the door behind him, wanting nothing more than to go back inside.

But he couldn't…

Today, he couldn't.

Gus stood beside him, silently straightening his tie.

"You ready?" He asked quietly.

Henry just nodded.

But for a long moment, neither of them moved.

**Sometimes solutions aren't so simple  
Sometimes good bye's the only way**

"We have to go," Henry said after several minutes of vacant staring.

"Yeah…" Gus agreed, blinking back into reality.

But they still didn't move.

They stood silently, side-by-side, and Gus somehow found his hand reaching out…gently patting Henry's shoulder.

It was all he could do...

There was nothing else he could do.

Henry shook it off with a spiteful glare.

"It's gonna rain." He muttered gruffly, taking the first step off the porch.

Gus just nodded, watching as he crossed the yard.

"Yeah…"

**And the sun will set for you  
The sun will set for you**

The rain had begun to fall by the time they reached the gravesite.

It was fitting, Henry thought dully.

It was supposed to be raining.

In his head, it had been raining for weeks.

**And the shadow of the day  
Will embrace the world in grey  
And the sun will set for you**

He didn't hear a word anyone said…

He didn't even hear a word he said, if he said anything at all…

That night, he wouldn't be able remember.

Had he said anything had all?

Had he even been there?

All he remembered was staring at the casket in front of him…feeling the rain pelting his head and face.

_Why the hell didn't I bring an umbrella…? _

_What the hell difference does it make…? _

**And cards and flowers on your window  
Your friends all plead for you to stay  
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple  
Sometimes good bye's the only way**

The casket was slowly lowered into the ground.

Henry watched in silence, feeling his heart sinking with each jerking movement of ropes…feeling each spew of dirt that covered it as if it was pelting him in the face.

**  
And the sun will set for you  
The sun will set for you  
And the shadow of the day  
Will embrace the world in grey  
And the sun will set for you**

The rain continued to fall, but it didn't bother Henry.

It was fitting…

It should be raining.

In his head, it had been raining for weeks… 


	5. Acceptance

**In this farewell,  
There's no blood,  
There's no alibi.**

It had finally stopped raining, but Henry scarcely noticed.

The still damp grass soaked through his sneakers as he stood, silently staring at the deep gray stone before him.

**  
'Cause I've drawn regret  
From the truth,  
Of a thousand lies.**

He was finally alone with his son.

There was so much he still had left to say…

So much he would never be able to say…

So much he somehow had to find a way to say…

******  
So let mercy come,  
And wash away  
What I've Done.**

"I'm sorry, Kid."

The words stung as they rolled off his tongue.

They were unexpected, these first words he had actually spoken to Shawn in weeks now.

Of everything he had left to say, he hadn't thought of this.

He didn't want this…

****** I'll face myself,  
To cross out what I've become.  
Erase myself,  
And let go of what I've done.**

"I'm sorry, Kid."

He tried again.

It felt more natural this time, more right.

But he still didn't know what, exactly, he was apologizing for.

He just knew that he was sorry.

To the center of the block of ice that was still settled between his heart and his stomach, he was sorry.

********** Put to rest,  
What you thought of me.  
While I clean this slate,  
With the hands,  
Of uncertainty.**

"I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to keep you from getting yourself killed…I always knew you couldn't do it on your own. Remember when you were a kid? How many times you cracked your head open? God, we were at the hospital every week getting stitches for some stupid injury. You or Gus. I knew back then you'd never be able to keep yourself alive…that was my job…my job…"

**************  
So let mercy come,  
And wash away  
What I've Done.**

"You always thought I wanted you to be a cop…I didn't want that…I just wanted you to have a bullet proof vest. I wanted you to have backup. I knew you'd need them…I knew you'd need them…you couldn't stay away from pissing people off. You couldn't stay away from helping…I just wanted you to have the vest when you did…the backup…"

**************  
I'll face myself,  
To cross out what I've become.  
Erase myself,  
And let go of what I've done.**

The sun reflected off the bead of rain still clinging to his son's name...

Shawn Spencer

Henry's breath caught in his chest.

He never knew why, but that was the moment it all struck him.

His son was buried there.

He was standing six feet over his son.

****************** For What I've Done  
I'll start again,  
And whatever pain may come.  
Today this ends,  
I'm forgiving what I've done.**

"You're really gone, Kid…

You're really gone…"

**********************  
I'll face myself,  
To cross out what I've become.  
Erase myself,  
And let go of what I've done.  
What I've done.**

His fingers ran over the cold, wet stone, memorizing every groove.

There had to be something else to say…

Something else…

**************************Forgiving What I've Done.**

"I'm sorry, Kid."


End file.
